CC

3 saltines (breakfast) 36 calories

3 saltines (taken w/pain meds) 36 calories

8 baby carrots w/ tbsp dip (dinner) 70 calories


Daily total: 142 calories Weight: 138.4 lbs Height: 5'7" BMI: 21.7

Today I spent much of the day in bed. I smacked my head last night and haven't been right since. Today was also a big eating day. I generally don't have so many saltines but had to have some with my pain meds (which I had to take for my head pain)

Hard to decipher

I'm having a hard time trying to seperate what characteristics are part of OCD or what's part of the Eating disorder I'm accused of having.

I find myself measuring out tbsp's of dressing and counting out baby carrots. Did you know for every 8 baby carrots there are 35 calories and 70 calories in the 2 tbsp's of dressing that you eat with them. It's HORRIBLE and I don't know how to stop it. It's like some form of curse that somebody has put on me that no matter how hard I try to not cut things up in small pieces, or arrange things on the plate or count baby carrots (for instance) I just can't stop doing it. It's become such a habit that it's "normal" routine. If I'm not cutting things small, making big meals, counting carrots I find that I have a HUGE amount of anxiety, even on 6 mg of Ativan a day.

So with this thought, I've arrived at the conclusion that it's OCD suffering rather than eating disorder.

Different thinkings

I guess as a disordered eating patient, you try to find some sort of accomplishment in something. I tried to find accomplishment and satisfaction in the purchase of a new home, new car and new job all in one year, but it was an empty ended feeling. Nothing compared to the feeling of accomplishment that I have had with disordered eating.

It's like it becomes who you are and what you think about. How many calories are in that? how many carbs? how many minutes do I need to exercise today? When consumed with anorexia it's like your mind and body need "better" ohhh you hit the 145 lbs mark, you can go a little further, how about the 135 lbs mark. It's like running a marathon, and each hurdle you meet, there's another not far in the distance to achieve. It's something that without even realizing, people validate the "being good at it" feeling by making comments on weight loss, or looking good etc.. It's a sense of being good at something, but in a sense it's being good and your own demise, death and starvation.

Good questions to consider

I know we all have different opinions on whether there should be a Medical Directive option for eating disordered patients.

I have strong opinions. I think, at a healthy BMI and right state of mind, one should be able to say, hey, "if I collapse or am in a presistant vegatative state I would like to not be kept alive by extreme measures" I think we can all think of a case where a woman (and no for legal purposes I can't say names) where the court decided that in PVS that she wouldn't have wanted to be kept alive "artificially" GOOD DECISION, good job justice system (and I know I'll get a lot of hate mail from the people here but..................) let's think about this, a person who has collapsed from a thin driven society that has suffered from an eating disorder probably doesn't want to live in a PVS kept alive by G-tube feedings.

So I've decided to meet with some spiritual care counselors at the local hospital, to discuss formulating a "medical directive" for myself. The last thing I want in this world is to be exploited by means of artificial measures, I'd like to die with dignity.

So after much research, thought, consideration etc... I've decided, shall I collapse, I'd like no chest compressions and no vent tube. If it can't be done with ACLS meds or bag mask, than let it go (and that's where the dignity part comes in) I'd like not to be tube fed. Not a lot to ask right?

Nausea and associated aches

Sometimes I wonder if in this persuit of thiness if the aches and pains, nausea and tingling hands and feet are worth it. The intolerance to coldness, shivering, and constant nausea is just miserable, yet the desire to be thin still remains. Not that I've been obsessively weighing myself, but it seems that I've hit a "bump in the road" at 145 lbs, which puts my BMI @ 22.7%. I've missed my first period but have been having severe cramps and abdominal pains. Called the triage nurse at the doctors office, who said not to worry about it that it's just a "symptom" of anorexia and we'll see you on 1/23/08. Guess we'll see what happens between now and then...........

Yet another diagnosis change

So recently I met with the eating disorder specialist who was hell bent on diagnosing my eating disorder as "Anorexia Purging" I argued in great depth with this diagnosis and reasoning. It seems that every time I have an appointment with a different medical professional I acquire either a changed or new diagnosis.

Right now I'm writting in a bit of frustration (if you haven't sensed that already thought I'd throw it out there) At my last "visit" it was mentioned about the possibility of NG Tube feeding (or threatened depends on how you look at it)

Here's what I believe (bear with me on this, again, I may not be logical in a state of frustration, just throwing out some thoughts)

There are many complications from obesity. Such as hypertension, congestive heart failure, respiratory distress, diabetes, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and others. All of these are a result of a person’s increased body weight. Why should we not lock these people up and force them to loose weight as we lock up anorexic patients and force them to gain weight?

If you've been reading, I've been 275 lbs, so I've been a big woman, something happened in my life (and I don't wish to go into it right now) that triggered my eating disorder. I do know that I visited the Doctors far more when I was "obese" than now when I am considered of close to normal weight. I had brain surgery to relieve intracranial pressure while obese, I had bladder surgery to fix incontenince while I was obese, not to mention the countless office visits, tests, MRI's and CT's associated with these operations.

We believe that an “anorexic” patient has an eating disorder, which in turn is termed a “mental illness” Obesity also can be termed an “eating disorder” but appears to be the opposite of anorexia. The person may or may not be compulsive overeaters instead of a compulsive undereater like an anorexic patient.

So anorexia can be treated under the Mental Health Act, a person can be made “against their will” to get help and fed against their will when they are perceived to be “in extreme medical danger” So is it not perceived as medical danger if an obese patient presents with CHF or severe respiratory distress? But we don’t apply the Mental Health Act and force them to loose body weight in order to “better their condition” do we?

Maybe many people don’t realize that obesity costs this country millions of dollars each year in healthcare costs to treat “symptoms” as they arise. Instead we're worried about re-feeding anorexia patients while obese patients are being allowed to committ the same slow death just in an opposite manner.