Crazy, or not!

I haven't really touched on the OCD, so (yes we're gonna go there now) let's travel that road a few moments.

I never really understood why I did what I did. I was always one for checking and re-checking, ordering, repeating, asking the same question five different ways. I realize now that OCD is a form of anxiety (or that's what I've been told, again I'm not a psychologist) and the first time that I "acted" on an obsessional thought with a "ritual" it caused a series of progressions. It eased the anxiety short term but caused a long-term "addiction" to obsessional thoughts.

Here's what I realize, I check and re-check door locks, the oven (to make sure it's turned off), windows to make sure they're locked (before I leave the house), long sleeve shirts go on the green hangers, short sleeved shirts go on the white hangers and pants go on the blue hangers. I check and re-check the parking brake and door locks on the car, write compulsive and detailed to-do lists, hi-lite papers exactly the same way each time. Canned foods are arranged certainly, I don't put gas in my car (I leave that to my husband) and I check and re-check to make sure my socks are perfect. I'm sure the list could go on, but that's a basic idea of how this "crazy" brain works.

As far as OCD relating to bulimia, this is how I see it (and AGAIN this is my crazy uneducated view) I developed bulimia, which in turn developed into an obsession butI see bulimia as an addiction. I also see bulimia as a desperation to hold on to some form of "control" to know that you have control over what you're putting in and what comes out of your body and when. My desire to become "thin" has become an addiction. I realize (and maybe that's how I know I may have an ounce of my brain that isn't crazy left) that this "addiction" can come with great "costs." I could collapse from ipecac use, have colon immobility from laxative abuse, electrolyte abnormalities from diuretic abuse, death, or other variety of health related issues. I believe there comes a point in every person's addiction where they decide to "leave it behind" I also believe I haven't yet reached that point. I'm VERY EDUCATED about the effects of eating disorders, purging and other related issues. I've been talked to by doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists as to the consequences of my "addiction" yet I'm not ready to quit. This is something I WANT, I WANT TO BE THIN, and at this point I don't care how I get there or what risks I take, as long as I get there.

Now, I must say, I have blaintly refused any psychiatric medications. I've been trialed on an SSRI (Selective Seretonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) but chose to stop the med because it caused adverse side effects. I've never been suicidal or depressed. I choose to refuse psychiatric medication because I choose not to be "chemically altered" (or atleast that's how I see it) I could be wrong. It scares me to think that using psychiatric medication could lead to years and years worth of adjusting and re-adjusting to meds, dosages etc.

To late to turn back?

I'd like to think that it isn't too late to "turn back" down the road and head away from bulimia. It has become such an addiction that even though I may consume a very small portion of food, it's habit to purge it. The doctors are trying to convince me to agree to inpatient treatment but I honestly don't think I'm at that point in the bulimia process.

I noticed however, that when I am eating small amounts of calories, I'm still feeling very anxious and jittery.

I'm very hopeful that the new eating disorder psychologist will work "some wonders" so that I don't have to spend 30 days away from home and my children.

Binged once already this week

I binged (or what I call a binge) once this week. I've done really good making sure that I stay under 500 calories a day but this day. I keep a food journal to ensure that I am on track with calorie counting each day.

I have certain rituals around food (probably the result of OCD and eating disorder mixed) I won't eat anything that doesn't have a nutrition label or isn't packaged sealed.

My binging day this week I think consisted of around 2,000 +/- calories for the day. I had: Chicken Noodle Soup one can, Saltine crackers quite a few, one peice of wheat bread, a few slices of turkey lunch meat, rice cakes, and a bean cheese burrito (and a half)

I'm kinda stressing about Thanksgiving, seeing that there isn't going to be nutrition labels attached to everything and it may look odd to show up and not eat on a holiday that celebrates around eating.

I gained 3 lbs just on my binge day alone (it's been two days since) and now I'll have to continue to "work it off"

I hate you Bulimia

I don't know what else to say now other than I really hate Bulimia and what it's done to me and my family.