We'll kinda help you

I haven't had another meeting with the psychologist yet, but have been officially diagnosed for nearly four weeks now although I've been suffering with this battle privately for nearly a year.

Right now I'm feeling like the psychologist is handing me a pile of little sticks and expecting me to build a house out of them overnight. We all know that every soundly built house is built on what???? A foundation (and it sure isn't done overnight) I feel like she really doesn't know how to help me (not being an eating disorder specialist in all) so what's the point in jumping through all of her hoops. It's like a rebelling force in me saying "ok I don't think I have a problem, if you don't think it's important enough to address" and unfortunately maybe that's why the death rates in eating disorder patients are much higher than in any other psychiatric condition. We have far too few trained specialists who are insistent on getting these types of patients "help" and I don't call "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" every 30 days for 30 minutes, help.

So the message I've been sent is, go meet with her once a month for 30 mins, and that should cure your addiction? The medical doctor and psychologist (thanks to my husband through vigorous e-mails) are aware of the laxatives, diuretics, diet pills and ipecac syrup rituals. So once a month for 30 mins I get the lecture of how bad these things are,and how I'm going to drop dead (ohh yes last time she gave me that good news), and over the next 29 days I'm supposed to "cure" myself when in all honesty the only thing I can think about is the demoralizing lecture I JUST PAID TO SIT THROUGH.

Next time my car needs fixed (not being a mechanic nor a psychologist) I think I'll take it to the dealership, have them "diagnose" the problem, bring it home and see if I can figure out the rat maze of fixing the thing, seem logical?. Generally, we take our cars, and our bodies for that matter, to the doctors and mechanics because we, ourselves, don't know how to fix them.

No Plan yet

I'm gonna try and get some of the history mixed in here, because as we all know history is important when speaking in terms of medical/psychological situations.



So the psychologist, on our second meeting in early October, decided I was bulimic. We had already established that I had obsessive tendancies towards cleaning, and other matters. Which healthcare professional working in a hospital doesn't have a touch of OCD or thoughts of cleanliness???



I was rathered disturbed by the bulimic diagnosis, or maybe it was just the way that it was delivered in such a cold and matter-of-fact manner. I had made a statement to the Dr. Psychologist that the medical doctor hadn't officially diagnosed me with anything during our visit three days prior and of course that I felt I didn't have a problem. She sharply replied with "No that's my job, so I'm going to come right out and say it, I think you have bulimia"



FLOORED and not knowing how to respond, my head dropped to my knees. How could this lady sit there (so proper and of course skinny) and tell me that she thinks I have issues with food, I've only talked with her twice. She doesn't know me from Eve. Of course the rest of our 28 minute visit was not productive. I sat in dismay, staring at the floor wondering what the next step was. Was this lady going to continue to harp on me about the poor decisions I was making or was she finally going to offer some sort of productive insight?

What a roller coaster ride

So I happen to be in the cycle and "stuck" I went two days without eating, but then last night started binge eating. I ate two chicken salad sandwhiches on wheat bread and two bowls of chicken broth with saltines. Afterwards I had that guilt in which I sat infront of the toilet with a toothbrush (thus avoiding Russell Syndrome scaring of the knuckles) to no avail, I grabbed a handful of diet pills, laxatives and jumped on the treadmill.

Often times I wonder, sitting here, after the purging, what makes a person do such? It's like an out of body experience where reality really doesn't matter. You become so obsessed with "the task" I've been anorexic before, but never suffered from bulimia. Six years ago, I just merely chose to stop eating, now I go through terrible binging-purging cycles.

Probably many of you are wondering what "the treatment plan is": Well.... so am I. We have yet to figure that out. The psychologist chose citalopram (Celexa) 20 mg given in the a.m. for a starters. Thinking it would help with the obsessional cleaning, checking, counting and also bulimia. Seemed like a perfect start.

I noticed the first morning I took the medication that the side effects were AWFUL. I felt nauseated, bloated, stomach upset, and my blood sugar dropped at a significant decrease. The second, third, fourth and fifth mornings were the same. I contacted the office and informed them that I would no longer be taking the medication and am still waiting on an appointment to see the psychologist again.

I have lost over 100 lbs in a years time period but I must mention I am still as of this point 23.7% BMI

In one of those cycles

It's really hard having OCD and Bulimia both. It's like certain things (i.e. food, cleaning) consume your thoughts, actions and basically LIFE. So when you're stuck in one of "those cycles" life is so "different".

Today I started that "cycle" the psychologist always lectures me about. I ate, purged. Ate again, and purged again, and ate and unsucessfully tried to purge one last time. As I sit here now I realize how "crazy" this action is. I mean, how many people shove a toothbrush down their throat after eating breakfast, lunch or dinner. Unfortunately the purging cycle ends with the fasting cycle........

Here we start

We all diet, or atleast most of us women do. When do we consider dieting dangerous? obsessional? compulsive?

What's a "normal" dieting?

Recently I had a colonoscopy done which revealed pseudomelanosis coli which is a condition asymptomatic associated with chronic laxative abuse. Although I had spent the last 12 months "hiding" things from my doctors and specialists, I knew, after this finding, that their insight into the "issues" was going to get clearer.

What did this finding indicate? An eating disorder? The argument still remains, and here I shall share my experiences with the healthcare system and Bulimia.

In future posts I will explain how I got diagnosed, what treatment is being done, and most importantly what and how this dangerous obsession with purging developed (from my account and knowledge)

Although I am not a Physician or Psychologist I am sharing from a patient, personal standpoint.