The Bulimia Obsession

Scared feelings

2008-02-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

It has come to the scale is now the final analysis of everything about me. It's like recovery seems possible but I can not imagine how I can be ok without my eating disorder.

Frustration and Understanding

2008-02-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'm having a real hard time dealing with the acceptance of lack of help for patients diagnosed with eating disorders.

This past week I was hospitalized for reasons unrelated to anorexia although it was well known to the medical profession at the hospital that I had an anorexia diagnosis. I was put onto the surgical floor and re-hydrated. They eventually became unclear as to the etiology of the pain relating to my VP Shunt. I was put on a "Calorie Count" due to my eating disorder. Now as if hospital food wasn't bad enough, to have somebody keeping track of every morsel you do or don't eat. I think I had maybe 500 calories the whole hospital stay. The food was horrible but the menu looked like a five star dinning menu.

The whole hospital experience was less than desirable. Being a teaching institute the "rounds" included 16 students, an attending physician, resident and anybody else who was "curious". They spend 30 minutes or more talking to eachother right over the top of you, while ignoring anything that comes out of your mouth. They all thank you and leave. As a patient you never really know what's happening or where they stand with "teaching" or diagnosing.

Now I acknowledge that I have an eating disorder, have accepted responsibility, have agreed to go to inpatient treatment and am fully aware of the consequences my actions on my health. However, the insurance company has decided to not approve inpatient treatment. There isn't much help out there available for eating disordered patients, hence, the 20% mortality rate of anorexia.

Guess I'm frustrated but understanding why so many people with eating disorders don't get help.

2008-01-18T13:45:00.000-08:00

It’s about: Anorexia: “loss of appetite” What Anorexia has done to me:

It’s never about a loss of appetite but rather a loss of control and obsession over food

Being a slave to the scale, never being “good enough” the numbers never being low enough

Food consuming 99 percent of your thoughts

It becomes who you are, what you’re about and what you think about

It’s showing up to Thanksgiving with your can of 90 calorie Progresso soup, and soup bowl because you can’t eat, anything more, or anything that can’t fit into that bowl

It’s not being able to enjoy Christmas dinner with a family full of people you’ve hardly seen since last Christmas but having to work all day to cook it.

It’s anxiety before going grocery shopping

It’s about checking and re-checking every nutrition label before it’s “approved” for placement in your shopping cart

It’s about knowing how many calories are in something before how much it actually costs.

It’s about weighing meat, measuring liquids, counting items. A LOT of computing.

It’s about not being able to eat anything that isn’t packaged sealed with a nutrition label

It’s about obsessing over exercise, calories and numbers

On the treadmill, off the treadmill, on the scale, back on the treadmill

Finding accomplishment in something you can be good at, even if it is your own demise.

It destroys the image in the mirror. Being able to see one thing while thinking another

Fatigue from lack of sleep

It’s about spending time in the shower with the music loud while purging with a toothbrush

It’s about having a list of “good” foods or “bad” foods, or 100 reasons why you can’t eat that night

It’s sneaking to hide empty packages of diuretic pills, laxatives and other “forbidden” items.

It becomes an obsession, an addiction, a learned lifestyle

Headaches from dehydration

Muscle aches from starvation

It makes a good person turn bad.

Eventually, it’s a loss of control

In a sense, it is selfish; it has robbed my husband of a wife and my children of a mother.

But most of all Anorexia is such a deep seeded destructive persuit to be thin

CC

2007-12-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

3 saltines (breakfast) 36 calories

3 saltines (taken w/pain meds) 36 calories

8 baby carrots w/ tbsp dip (dinner) 70 calories

Daily total: 142 calories Weight: 138.4 lbs Height: 5'7" BMI: 21.7

Today I spent much of the day in bed. I smacked my head last night and haven't been right since. Today was also a big eating day. I generally don't have so many saltines but had to have some with my pain meds (which I had to take for my head pain)

Hard to decipher

2007-12-27T22:39:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time trying to seperate what characteristics are part of OCD or what's part of the Eating disorder I'm accused of having.

I find myself measuring out tbsp's of dressing and counting out baby carrots. Did you know for every 8 baby carrots there are 35 calories and 70 calories in the 2 tbsp's of dressing that you eat with them. It's HORRIBLE and I don't know how to stop it. It's like some form of curse that somebody has put on me that no matter how hard I try to not cut things up in small pieces, or arrange things on the plate or count baby carrots (for instance) I just can't stop doing it. It's become such a habit that it's "normal" routine. If I'm not cutting things small, making big meals, counting carrots I find that I have a HUGE amount of anxiety, even on 6 mg of Ativan a day.

So with this thought, I've arrived at the conclusion that it's OCD suffering rather than eating disorder.

Different thinkings

2007-12-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

I guess as a disordered eating patient, you try to find some sort of accomplishment in something. I tried to find accomplishment and satisfaction in the purchase of a new home, new car and new job all in one year, but it was an empty ended feeling. Nothing compared to the feeling of accomplishment that I have had with disordered eating.

It's like it becomes who you are and what you think about. How many calories are in that? how many carbs? how many minutes do I need to exercise today? When consumed with anorexia it's like your mind and body need "better" ohhh you hit the 145 lbs mark, you can go a little further, how about the 135 lbs mark. It's like running a marathon, and each hurdle you meet, there's another not far in the distance to achieve. It's something that without even realizing, people validate the "being good at it" feeling by making comments on weight loss, or looking good etc.. It's a sense of being good at something, but in a sense it's being good and your own demise, death and starvation.

Good questions to consider

2007-12-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

I know we all have different opinions on whether there should be a Medical Directive option for eating disordered patients.

I have strong opinions. I think, at a healthy BMI and right state of mind, one should be able to say, hey, "if I collapse or am in a presistant vegatative state I would like to not be kept alive by extreme measures" I think we can all think of a case where a woman (and no for legal purposes I can't say names) where the court decided that in PVS that she wouldn't have wanted to be kept alive "artificially" GOOD DECISION, good job justice system (and I know I'll get a lot of hate mail from the people here but..................) let's think about this, a person who has collapsed from a thin driven society that has suffered from an eating disorder probably doesn't want to live in a PVS kept alive by G-tube feedings.

So I've decided to meet with some spiritual care counselors at the local hospital, to discuss formulating a "medical directive" for myself. The last thing I want in this world is to be exploited by means of artificial measures, I'd like to die with dignity.

So after much research, thought, consideration etc... I've decided, shall I collapse, I'd like no chest compressions and no vent tube. If it can't be done with ACLS meds or bag mask, than let it go (and that's where the dignity part comes in) I'd like not to be tube fed. Not a lot to ask right?

Nausea and associated aches

2007-12-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if in this persuit of thiness if the aches and pains, nausea and tingling hands and feet are worth it. The intolerance to coldness, shivering, and constant nausea is just miserable, yet the desire to be thin still remains. Not that I've been obsessively weighing myself, but it seems that I've hit a "bump in the road" at 145 lbs, which puts my BMI @ 22.7%. I've missed my first period but have been having severe cramps and abdominal pains. Called the triage nurse at the doctors office, who said not to worry about it that it's just a "symptom" of anorexia and we'll see you on 1/23/08. Guess we'll see what happens between now and then...........

Yet another diagnosis change

2007-12-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

So recently I met with the eating disorder specialist who was hell bent on diagnosing my eating disorder as "Anorexia Purging" I argued in great depth with this diagnosis and reasoning. It seems that every time I have an appointment with a different medical professional I acquire either a changed or new diagnosis.

Right now I'm writting in a bit of frustration (if you haven't sensed that already thought I'd throw it out there) At my last "visit" it was mentioned about the possibility of NG Tube feeding (or threatened depends on how you look at it)

Here's what I believe (bear with me on this, again, I may not be logical in a state of frustration, just throwing out some thoughts)

There are many complications from obesity. Such as hypertension, congestive heart failure, respiratory distress, diabetes, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and others. All of these are a result of a person’s increased body weight. Why should we not lock these people up and force them to loose weight as we lock up anorexic patients and force them to gain weight?

If you've been reading, I've been 275 lbs, so I've been a big woman, something happened in my life (and I don't wish to go into it right now) that triggered my eating disorder. I do know that I visited the Doctors far more when I was "obese" than now when I am considered of close to normal weight. I had brain surgery to relieve intracranial pressure while obese, I had bladder surgery to fix incontenince while I was obese, not to mention the countless office visits, tests, MRI's and CT's associated with these operations.

We believe that an “anorexic” patient has an eating disorder, which in turn is termed a “mental illness” Obesity also can be termed an “eating disorder” but appears to be the opposite of anorexia. The person may or may not be compulsive overeaters instead of a compulsive undereater like an anorexic patient.

So anorexia can be treated under the Mental Health Act, a person can be made “against their will” to get help and fed against their will when they are perceived to be “in extreme medical danger” So is it not perceived as medical danger if an obese patient presents with CHF or severe respiratory distress? But we don’t apply the Mental Health Act and force them to loose body weight in order to “better their condition” do we?

Maybe many people don’t realize that obesity costs this country millions of dollars each year in healthcare costs to treat “symptoms” as they arise. Instead we're worried about re-feeding anorexia patients while obese patients are being allowed to committ the same slow death just in an opposite manner.

Crazy, or not!

2007-11-27T21:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't really touched on the OCD, so (yes we're gonna go there now) let's travel that road a few moments.

I never really understood why I did what I did. I was always one for checking and re-checking, ordering, repeating, asking the same question five different ways. I realize now that OCD is a form of anxiety (or that's what I've been told, again I'm not a psychologist) and the first time that I "acted" on an obsessional thought with a "ritual" it caused a series of progressions. It eased the anxiety short term but caused a long-term "addiction" to obsessional thoughts.

Here's what I realize, I check and re-check door locks, the oven (to make sure it's turned off), windows to make sure they're locked (before I leave the house), long sleeve shirts go on the green hangers, short sleeved shirts go on the white hangers and pants go on the blue hangers. I check and re-check the parking brake and door locks on the car, write compulsive and detailed to-do lists, hi-lite papers exactly the same way each time. Canned foods are arranged certainly, I don't put gas in my car (I leave that to my husband) and I check and re-check to make sure my socks are perfect. I'm sure the list could go on, but that's a basic idea of how this "crazy" brain works.

As far as OCD relating to bulimia, this is how I see it (and AGAIN this is my crazy uneducated view) I developed bulimia, which in turn developed into an obsession butI see bulimia as an addiction. I also see bulimia as a desperation to hold on to some form of "control" to know that you have control over what you're putting in and what comes out of your body and when. My desire to become "thin" has become an addiction. I realize (and maybe that's how I know I may have an ounce of my brain that isn't crazy left) that this "addiction" can come with great "costs." I could collapse from ipecac use, have colon immobility from laxative abuse, electrolyte abnormalities from diuretic abuse, death, or other variety of health related issues. I believe there comes a point in every person's addiction where they decide to "leave it behind" I also believe I haven't yet reached that point. I'm VERY EDUCATED about the effects of eating disorders, purging and other related issues. I've been talked to by doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists as to the consequences of my "addiction" yet I'm not ready to quit. This is something I WANT, I WANT TO BE THIN, and at this point I don't care how I get there or what risks I take, as long as I get there.

Now, I must say, I have blaintly refused any psychiatric medications. I've been trialed on an SSRI (Selective Seretonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) but chose to stop the med because it caused adverse side effects. I've never been suicidal or depressed. I choose to refuse psychiatric medication because I choose not to be "chemically altered" (or atleast that's how I see it) I could be wrong. It scares me to think that using psychiatric medication could lead to years and years worth of adjusting and re-adjusting to meds, dosages etc.

To late to turn back?

2007-11-21T23:40:00.001-08:00

I'd like to think that it isn't too late to "turn back" down the road and head away from bulimia. It has become such an addiction that even though I may consume a very small portion of food, it's habit to purge it. The doctors are trying to convince me to agree to inpatient treatment but I honestly don't think I'm at that point in the bulimia process.

I noticed however, that when I am eating small amounts of calories, I'm still feeling very anxious and jittery.

I'm very hopeful that the new eating disorder psychologist will work "some wonders" so that I don't have to spend 30 days away from home and my children.

Binged once already this week

2007-11-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

I binged (or what I call a binge) once this week. I've done really good making sure that I stay under 500 calories a day but this day. I keep a food journal to ensure that I am on track with calorie counting each day.

I have certain rituals around food (probably the result of OCD and eating disorder mixed) I won't eat anything that doesn't have a nutrition label or isn't packaged sealed.

My binging day this week I think consisted of around 2,000 +/- calories for the day. I had: Chicken Noodle Soup one can, Saltine crackers quite a few, one peice of wheat bread, a few slices of turkey lunch meat, rice cakes, and a bean cheese burrito (and a half)

I'm kinda stressing about Thanksgiving, seeing that there isn't going to be nutrition labels attached to everything and it may look odd to show up and not eat on a holiday that celebrates around eating.

I gained 3 lbs just on my binge day alone (it's been two days since) and now I'll have to continue to "work it off"

I hate you Bulimia

2007-11-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know what else to say now other than I really hate Bulimia and what it's done to me and my family.

We'll kinda help you

2007-10-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't had another meeting with the psychologist yet, but have been officially diagnosed for nearly four weeks now although I've been suffering with this battle privately for nearly a year.

Right now I'm feeling like the psychologist is handing me a pile of little sticks and expecting me to build a house out of them overnight. We all know that every soundly built house is built on what???? A foundation (and it sure isn't done overnight) I feel like she really doesn't know how to help me (not being an eating disorder specialist in all) so what's the point in jumping through all of her hoops. It's like a rebelling force in me saying "ok I don't think I have a problem, if you don't think it's important enough to address" and unfortunately maybe that's why the death rates in eating disorder patients are much higher than in any other psychiatric condition. We have far too few trained specialists who are insistent on getting these types of patients "help" and I don't call "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" every 30 days for 30 minutes, help.

So the message I've been sent is, go meet with her once a month for 30 mins, and that should cure your addiction? The medical doctor and psychologist (thanks to my husband through vigorous e-mails) are aware of the laxatives, diuretics, diet pills and ipecac syrup rituals. So once a month for 30 mins I get the lecture of how bad these things are,and how I'm going to drop dead (ohh yes last time she gave me that good news), and over the next 29 days I'm supposed to "cure" myself when in all honesty the only thing I can think about is the demoralizing lecture I JUST PAID TO SIT THROUGH.

Next time my car needs fixed (not being a mechanic nor a psychologist) I think I'll take it to the dealership, have them "diagnose" the problem, bring it home and see if I can figure out the rat maze of fixing the thing, seem logical?. Generally, we take our cars, and our bodies for that matter, to the doctors and mechanics because we, ourselves, don't know how to fix them.

No Plan yet

2007-10-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna try and get some of the history mixed in here, because as we all know history is important when speaking in terms of medical/psychological situations.

So the psychologist, on our second meeting in early October, decided I was bulimic. We had already established that I had obsessive tendancies towards cleaning, and other matters. Which healthcare professional working in a hospital doesn't have a touch of OCD or thoughts of cleanliness???

I was rathered disturbed by the bulimic diagnosis, or maybe it was just the way that it was delivered in such a cold and matter-of-fact manner. I had made a statement to the Dr. Psychologist that the medical doctor hadn't officially diagnosed me with anything during our visit three days prior and of course that I felt I didn't have a problem. She sharply replied with "No that's my job, so I'm going to come right out and say it, I think you have bulimia"

FLOORED and not knowing how to respond, my head dropped to my knees. How could this lady sit there (so proper and of course skinny) and tell me that she thinks I have issues with food, I've only talked with her twice. She doesn't know me from Eve. Of course the rest of our 28 minute visit was not productive. I sat in dismay, staring at the floor wondering what the next step was. Was this lady going to continue to harp on me about the poor decisions I was making or was she finally going to offer some sort of productive insight?

What a roller coaster ride

2007-10-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

So I happen to be in the cycle and "stuck" I went two days without eating, but then last night started binge eating. I ate two chicken salad sandwhiches on wheat bread and two bowls of chicken broth with saltines. Afterwards I had that guilt in which I sat infront of the toilet with a toothbrush (thus avoiding Russell Syndrome scaring of the knuckles) to no avail, I grabbed a handful of diet pills, laxatives and jumped on the treadmill.

Often times I wonder, sitting here, after the purging, what makes a person do such? It's like an out of body experience where reality really doesn't matter. You become so obsessed with "the task" I've been anorexic before, but never suffered from bulimia. Six years ago, I just merely chose to stop eating, now I go through terrible binging-purging cycles.

Probably many of you are wondering what "the treatment plan is": Well.... so am I. We have yet to figure that out. The psychologist chose citalopram (Celexa) 20 mg given in the a.m. for a starters. Thinking it would help with the obsessional cleaning, checking, counting and also bulimia. Seemed like a perfect start.

I noticed the first morning I took the medication that the side effects were AWFUL. I felt nauseated, bloated, stomach upset, and my blood sugar dropped at a significant decrease. The second, third, fourth and fifth mornings were the same. I contacted the office and informed them that I would no longer be taking the medication and am still waiting on an appointment to see the psychologist again.

I have lost over 100 lbs in a years time period but I must mention I am still as of this point 23.7% BMI

In one of those cycles

2007-10-26T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's really hard having OCD and Bulimia both. It's like certain things (i.e. food, cleaning) consume your thoughts, actions and basically LIFE. So when you're stuck in one of "those cycles" life is so "different".

Today I started that "cycle" the psychologist always lectures me about. I ate, purged. Ate again, and purged again, and ate and unsucessfully tried to purge one last time. As I sit here now I realize how "crazy" this action is. I mean, how many people shove a toothbrush down their throat after eating breakfast, lunch or dinner. Unfortunately the purging cycle ends with the fasting cycle........

Here we start

2007-10-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

We all diet, or atleast most of us women do. When do we consider dieting dangerous? obsessional? compulsive?

What's a "normal" dieting?

Recently I had a colonoscopy done which revealed pseudomelanosis coli which is a condition asymptomatic associated with chronic laxative abuse. Although I had spent the last 12 months "hiding" things from my doctors and specialists, I knew, after this finding, that their insight into the "issues" was going to get clearer.

What did this finding indicate? An eating disorder? The argument still remains, and here I shall share my experiences with the healthcare system and Bulimia.

In future posts I will explain how I got diagnosed, what treatment is being done, and most importantly what and how this dangerous obsession with purging developed (from my account and knowledge)

Although I am not a Physician or Psychologist I am sharing from a patient, personal standpoint.